Help! I Don’t Watch Game of Thrones. Why Is Everyone Sad?

So you’ve managed to avoid watching Game of Thrones for three years?  Impressive. You must be oh so very confused right now. We all had a collective melt down last weekend and there’s still one episode to go before the end of the season. I’m not saying you have to watch the show (you should), but I hope that you’ll at least read this in an attempt to understand why the entire Internet had a nervous breakdown at the same time. For those of you who have watched the show, this is a very truncated summary, but I’m going to try to not get lost in the details and just tell the basics. Good? Good. Read on Game of Thrones virgins. There is much to learn…

Let’s start with the absolute most basic things you need to understand the plot. This show is called Game of Thrones. That means there’s a throne…

iron-throne

AKA The Iron Throne

… and a lot of people want to sit on it. This all happened because back in season one the King died…

lol good ol' fat King Robert Baratheon

lol good ol’ fat King Robert Baratheon

… but many suspect that his son isn’t actually his son. And they’re right. You see, Joffrey Baratheon and his two younger siblings, Myrcella and Tommen, are actually the product of incest between Queen Cersei and her brother Jaimie Lannister. The King’s brothers feel they have a better claim, thus a war broke out.

You're a bastard, Joffrey, both literally and figuratively.  P.S. Nobody likes you.

You’re a bastard, Joffrey, both literally and figuratively. P.S. Nobody likes you.

Now this throne is to the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. The lower six regions are about the same size as the North, which is basically a huge expanse of sparsely populated land filled with some of the most badass people in the kingdom. Speaking of badass, the North is ruled by the Starks of Winterfell. In season one Lord Eddard Stark is in charge, but when he threatened to reveal that Joffrey wasn’t the legitimate heir to the throne he got his head chopped off.

Sean Bean: Pro At Dying

Sean Bean: Pro At Dying

But I mean he was played by Sean Bean, so I don’t know why everyone is surprised.  He dies in basically everything he’s in.

Still, this single event is basically what made the books so damn famous. Eddard was essentially the protagonist and he died before the end of the book. People who hadn’t read the books were traumatized when that episode aired. If only they knew what was coming…

Now when Eddard got his head lopped off, his eldest son, Robb, decided the North should just break away and do their own thing. He really had no interest in the Iron Throne at all and didn’t really care who took it as long as it wasn’t Joffrey or any of the other Lannisters. He marched his people down from the North to aid in ousting Joffrey from the throne and to get his sisters back (one of them isn’t even in Kings Landing anymore, but they kind of don’t know that). And ok, revenge is a pretty big factor for him too. Let’s just be honest. On his warpath down from the North he kicks ass and has become a fan favorite. He’s badass and, well, just look at this guy…

Hottie From The North

Hottie From The North

While marching south he needed to cross a river at place known as The Twins. In order to move his army across the bridge he needed to agree to marry one of Lord Frey’s daughters.  The bridge is basically the Frey’s castle so they control everything that goes across it.  He’s not too happy about this, but he agrees and his army gets to cross and he kicks ass for another season. It’s all fab… until he falls in love. Enter Talisa…

They are in loooOOOOOooooOOOve

They are in loooOOOOOooooOOOve

Robb marries Talisa instead of one of the Frey’s because he’s just too *~in~love~* to do any different. House Frey is understandably really upset about this, but they decided that they’ll settle for marrying one of his daughters to King Robb’s uncle instead. This is Robb’s mother’s brother, Edmure Tully, who the Frey’s have been trying to bargain marriage with for many many years. It’s not a King, but he’ll do…

Edmure is not so good with the arrows.

Edmure is not so good with the arrows.

So Robb Stark’s entourage heads back to the Twins for the wedding. On the way Talisa reveals that she’s pregnant and everything seems to be looking up for them. There’s a new Stark on the way, their army is about to grow with the help of the Freys, and Robb’s betrayal looks like it’s going to be forgiven. Yay! Time for a wedding! Everybody celebrate!

And then last Sunday’s episode happened.

It all started when the band started to play the Lannister tune, which is just not appropriate for a Stark occasion. The only person that seemed to notice something was amiss was Catelyn, Robb’s mother.

RedWedding1

What the hell? That’s not our song, guys.

But don’t worry, Talisa gets stabbed in the belly and then arrows started flying and everyone else sort of caught on rather quickly that something was very very wrong.Talisa and her unborn child die.

There is literally nothing I can say that will make this funny.

There is literally nothing I can say that will make this funny.

Then Robb is all depressed and then he dies.

RedWedding3

Then Catelyn gives up hope after seeing her son stabbed in the heart and she dies.

RedWedding4

Roll credits.

Traumatic, right? And the season is not yet over. There’s still another episode to go and even I, a book reader, don’t know what’s coming this Sunday. I know generally where it’s supposed to go, but there are lot of gruesome details that they may or may not show next week.

The best thing you can do for your Game of Thrones watching friends is to give them a hug, some chocolate, and maybe some tissue.  Oh, and alcohol.  Give us lots and lots of alcohol.  The Starks have a lot of fans and a huge chunk of the Starks just got torn away from us in a horrific fashion. We need a moment, ok?  Just… just pass the alcohol.  Thanks.

Author: Angel

Stephanie “Angel” Wilson is the admin of The Geekiary and a geek culture commentator. She earned a BA in Film & Digital Media from UC Santa Cruz. She’s contributed to various podcasts and webcasts including An Englishman in San Diego, Free to Be Radio, and Genre TV for All. She’s written for Friends of Comic Con and has essays published in Fandom Frontlines.

-



**Read our policies before commenting.**

Please do not copy our content in whole to other websites. Linkbacks are encouraged.